I have shut enough

You know, i don't complain for a small matter.
You know, i am willing to accept it though it's not my fault.
You know being the last child in the family doesn't make me the luckiest-pampered-small-baby.
Well, it has always been the opposite for me.
I tried to make everyone happy by giving in to whatever they asked for.
I tried so hard that sometimes i feel bad for being a hypocrite.
Till this very moment, i feel that i think too much (just like what faizal always said) and i should loose up a bit.

First, i don't get those family bond kind of love.
My family don't sit together to have lunch or dinner together.
My family don't go out on weekends together. (&the only time we go out together would be to nenek's hs during raya)
My family don't ask abt each other's well being let alone wish for birthdays.
My family just do our business. All alone.
Last few years, i was still an immature kid to understand what a family should be doing, how a family bond should feel and how a family would look like.
All i know, i had family bonding when i was a kid .. but not with my own family; with my cousins' family.
Now that i am 18 years old, i am pretty sure i am old enough to understand all that.
I feel ashamed. I feel embarassed.

I desperately need my own family bonding, gathering, dinner together.
I think i am done pretending to be strong and faking all my smiles just to show the world how happy i am. I am tired of ignoring questions if i was okayy cos the fact is, i am not.
Despite being the last child and being the only daughter in this family, i don't feel that way. I feel like the eldest child and the only son in this family. It's totally the opposite.
Since the start of my education life, i have been forced to work so hard just so i could make the family proud.
I always get reminded to perform well not for my own good but because of my family's expectations.
I was always reprimanded for not being able to reach the family's goals.
I was always made a stranger at home if i did disobey any of their rules and regulations.


Apart from performing well in education, i had to carry out a very big role at home and almost everywhere. I had to be the guy in the house (other than dad) to fix things that needs to be repaired.
I had to think of a perfect solution which will not harm anyone in the house.
I was the only one who had to give in when the step sister wanted to stay over for almost a year.
I had to surrender my room.
I had to surrender my belongings.
I had to surrender almost everything.
I was forever ignored when i talked abt my personal life to any one of my siblings.
I was never allowed to talk to guys/boys at home. It's like a Haram thing.
I was always made to stay in the room when i wanted a movie marathon together.
I had to keep every thoughts i had to myself.
I couldn't make any decisions for myself.
Even when entering poly, i was made to choose a business course.
I couldn't even voice out my opinion.
&to think of it, i have ignored all that for the past 18 years.

I ignored a question that was brought up to me one fine day by someone related to me, "what if you find out that you are just a foster kid?" and till now, i still cannot believe that same person said i am being pampered by my mother.
Now, which part of pampered does she not understand?
Sigh.

Now that i have ignored all that for a fat 18 years, i can call myself a good ignorant and hypocrite. How abt that?
I will let nature take its course cause that will only allow me to settle slowly.
I won't bother if people keep telling me that i think too much.
I won't bother if people keep telling me that i should be changing myself before complaining.
I am tired of trying to find my own flaws cause i have done that for 18 years and i am done with it.
It's so difficult. In fact, it has never been easy.
I really hope something good will come out of this. I really hope faizal's words could make me feel better.

If not, can you people at least do me a favour and tell me what in the world is wrong with me and why am i behaving this way..?