The lowest point

Just what is wrong with my fate? Is there really something wrong with me or have I offended someone so bad?

Seven bloody months and I am still unemployed. Couldn't get even worse than this. Let's not blame the recession for my current state because I believe there are lots of jobs wanting to be filled up. But the freaking problem is, each time I go for an interview, I do not get a return call. That includes part time or even retail! As quoted by Naqiah a few months back, "aku dah kering tahap drought." I can guarantee, mine is far more worst than that. And knowing the fact that both my brothers are getting married in a couple of months, it just makes me even more desperate for a job. Cos when they are hitched, the responsibilities are passed down to me since both my parents are too old to get a job. And with me not able to at least get a proper job, I do not know how I can survive much longer.

It is very much obvious I hate the life I am living right now. I hate it when others tell me to be patient because seven months without any pay would have prove my patience. Right, I know patience is virtue. But can patience help me in supporting my family? Obviously no. I hate it even more when I know my friends are working. (and stop saying you need a break from work)It is sure very pressurising.

Whinning won't get me a job. Crying won't solve it either. The only solution to this is to continue searching for a job which I swear is killing me softly. I have sent thousands or even millions of resume but no response at all.

Sometimes I wonder if thisis a curse from someone or a punishment for the sins I have done. If it is the latter, then I have to accept it but if it's the former, I wouldn't forgive that person ever and I swear that he/she will have a terrible life ahead. Ya, I am that evil after what I have been through.

And after all that I have been through for the past months, now I dare to say, "I leave it all to God. Because I've tried my very best. So now let's just follow the flow."

Then there's one more problem. I have done what I need to. I have cut down on the amount of food to consume. I started consuming only healthy food I even starved myself while others are enjoying their break fast. But still, I am getting berisi as quoted by almost everyone. Sometimes, I choose to ignore their remarks but the damn jeans choose to upset me more. I have left a big hole on two of my jeans in a period of two week.

I am so bloody upset with my life right now. Okay, that was second time saying that in this post.

But I still believe that Allah will not test someone beyond our limits and capabilities.

Same old same old

Last night, Mak almost managed to call the ambulance to send me to the hospital. The pain was so bad, i couldn't even do a thing. When I sit, I want to lie down on bed. When I lie down on bed, I think sleeping would do me good. When I tried to sleep, the pain gets worse. When I keep my mouth shut, I thought talking would ease the pain. When I talk on the phone, I get really frustrated. Today is my first day fasting for the month and I really hope I can make it through. Insya'allah.

Anyway, I overlooked the date today and I missed an interview that was scheduled for me earlier. Now it's back to searching for jobs online and in the papers. Same routine for so many months. Like they said, "same old same old."

I have this urge to blurt out what i have in mind, a story that portrays my sorrow and probably the anger that is turning into hatred. i hate hearing someone else's complains and whinings for fear i would be affected by it. What's worse, i hate to know that their complains are irrelevant and are made out of selfishness. tsk tsk. initially, i shoved away the idea of letting go and because i believe in holding on. years of frienship would be a waste,u get what i mean? as the time goes by, i dont see the reason for my loyalty. what's the point of being nice when you know you are just being used? what's the point of being there for them all the time but they don't appreciate it? reality check, it takes two hands to clap. right now, i dont see why i bothered to hold on when they have longed let go, why do i often give in when i dont owe them my life. it's true that i am too free at this point of time unlike them who are so busy with their life.. but that sure isn't a good reason for me to stay.

I asked myself was it worth it and obviously my answer was disheartening. Why do I have to be such an angel and turn into someone similar to them, hypocrites?

This time, I am sure I'll do good without them because I don't need such people to move ahead in life. Good luck, hypocrites.